June 30

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This will be etched into my mind and heart for eons.

The day my world changed,

and I had no clue at the time.

I can only look back and wish I knew

then

that this anniversary

would find me

here,

with you.

 

Amazed

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Amazing how two people can find each other

amidst and despite the noisy clutter in this world today.

Even more amazing, how those two people can remain tethered

to each other through firestorms of doubt, self-inflicted mind erosions

and miles of unknown and unconquered terrain.

 

Too Much

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They say time will heal,

but all I say is they

don’t feel this pain.

A pain of no goodbye,

and no more tomorrows.

Healing is a funny term,

when you are completely

and utterly broken by a loss.

It doesn’t seem possible,

and people then say,

time will heal,

for lack of anything

else to say to you,

to your face-ful of tears,

and to the crack in your heart.

Do you ever heal

from such an unexpected jarring,

does life ever switch to normal?

You spend your life,

looking around the corner,

hoping you’ll see him,

sometimes you hear that familiar

‘hey bwaanaaa’

and your heart skips a beat…

only to realize that you put him

in the ground three years ago…

and ‘time will heal’…

This healing that never seems to come,

that never seems to completely scab over

the broken heart and the overshed tears…

It’s just all too much.

 

 

*November 8th, 2013*

 

Mood

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Stuck in the middle of a place you never thought you’d see or be,

halfway between a beautiful yes and a shattering scream,

unable to plod forward or even look back at where you came from

to sort out if time travel is possible, to that time

when everything was magical.

 

 

 

 

Untitled

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It’s weird.

Seeing things unfold in slow motion,

Puzzle pieces clicking into place,

Showing you clearly how heartbreak will come.

You hold your breath, turning blue, hope tearing up your insides.

Doubts thumping against your chest, propped up by each puzzle piece secured.

A new world this is, an unfamiliar playbook for a familiar pitch.

It’s weird.

Watching the picks strike your heart.

And knowing any moment now, it will shatter.

Confessions

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I am terrified of two things: Snakes. Dentists. And maybe not necessarily in that order. But the gap between the two is quite skinny.

I was about 11 years old when my mother took me to a dentist in downtown Nairobi. I thought we were headed to one of those back-alley salons where radio-shows ring out via shrill sounding boxy machines and ladies rap ki-jaluo as they pull and manipulate your hair into a semblance of braids.

We arrived at the dentist’s at about lunchtime. She seemed rushed. She was an older lady of Indian descent. I sat in her chair and she never spoke to me, only to my mother. I was nervous, and I clasped my hands together in front of me as I often do because of nerves. I wished she would look at me and send a reassuring smile my way.

Nope.  Continue reading →